“For if I say, ‘Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night,” even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as day. Darkness and light are alike to You.”
There is a new heaviness in my heart that has become a permanent part me. I had to say goodbye to my first child before we met.
Many of you did not know that on March 5th, Rob and I found out we were expecting. For 10 blissful weeks I got to carry and fall in love with our first baby and after 3 years of struggling with infertility and moving forward with the call to adopt, we now had the hope of soon having two children rather than one. Last Thursday at our first ultrasound we learned that our baby stopped growing and had no heartbeat.
“I see remnants of a fetus”
“This is not a normal pregnancy”
“I’m so sorry to have to tell you…”
“So our baby is gone?”
and many more will haunt my soul forever. Rob and I spent the weekend at the coast mourning the loss of our first child and clinging to the promises of God’s word.
He was so faithful.
The day after our news, I commented on an instagram raffle to win a ticket to a faith based Infertility/Adoption Conference in Laguna Beach called “Choose Joy”. Not only did I win the ticket, but after thanking Emmy Blakely (founder of Choose Joy) and telling her how perfect her timing was, she gifted Rob with a ticket and both of us a free stay in the condo of a good friend of hers! God is SO good. We are in awe of our God, His perfect timing and the intimacy He has in our lives. We could not have planned all this. God is good, all the time.
After reflecting on the chain of events this weekend and on God’s obvious hand in our lives I made a hard decision. I decided to no longer live in the comfort of privacy, but to learn to find ease in living my life out loud. I don’t know why God called us to the platform of a blog. I don’t know why God has us on the path of infertility, miscarriage and adoption. I cannot tell you why our path to parenthood is a long uphill battle full of brokenness and humility, but I can tell you I have never been more sure that God has a purpose for our lives.
I do not want my story or the short life of my sweet baby to only change my heart, but I want to give a longer life to my child by allowing this experience to affect and change others for the Kingdom. I want learn to live brokenness aloud as a testament of the Power of God.
I grieve the loss of a loved one. I beg God for strength to get me through small moments. I have to learn to live life with a new set of heaviness. I have hope in God’s plan for my life. I have hope that God will use the short life of my lil’ one to do big Kingdom building. I am a mother who will one day meet her child in the presence of my Savior.