My heart broke at our 10 week appointment. I will never forget sitting on the cold hard examination table, Rob sitting on a chair beside me as the doctor’s face hardened while looking at the ultrasound monitor. I think my heart stopped beating for a bit waiting for him to say something. I just wish it was different than what came out.
The words “there is no heartbeat” will haunt me forever. My sweet child I planned to hold, kiss and make a life with was unable to will his heart to beat. Not even for her mom whose heart already belonged to every wonderful part of her and already accepted every flaw that was yet to be revealed. I built a life in my heart around the sweet child that was to come and those words robbed me of our life together. It was too soon to say goodbye, I wasn’t ready, wasn’t strong enough. .
I walked away angry at my body, hating that my child was unable to thrive. If I had just been healthier, tried harder, read more, prayed aloud, told others to join me… If I had just…
Rob and I were both consumed by grief. Together we ran away to the beach and just broke. We cried for the life we had and cried for the dream we lost. We begged for answers and prayed for hope. We both agreed nothing in our life had been harder than this loss and neither of us knew how to move forward.
We stayed numb for a long time. Each day, slowly and almost without notice God brought healing and strength as He does. Our hearts began to mend and our lives began to brighten. This week was the due date of our sweet child. My thoughts of heaven became that much sweeter with my baby waiting for me to come home. Until then, we hold Norah a little tighter and tell her of the perfect sibling she has.