When I don’t understand, I choose You
Life has been a series of hard and messy and a whole lot of things that don’t feel like God’s best for us. Over these last few weeks (what feels like years) I forced myself to be ‘normal’ and live my life as usual even though everything has changed. My heart is different, it’s a little more wounded and scared… a little lonely and lost.
To show people that although life pulled the carpet out from under me, and constantly changed it’s course on me I’m ok. I smile and say, “I’m good! How are you?” hoping that if you believe it my heart will follow. I get hugs and have people tell me how strong I am. I shake my head knowing that stifling is not the same thing as strong. I have a tendency to hide when I’m scared and clam up when I’m hurt and today, in this moment, I’m both… and then some.
There is so much good to this process. The beauty of adoption is so overwhelming to my soul sometimes that I just want to sit and praise God for His favor on His children. That I feel like I need a whole week on my knees in gratefulness for His love….
But the hard is just as powerful as that good. It’s heavy and dark. It’s incredibly unbelievable and heartbreaking. I don’t know how much more break this heart can take. When I’m not clinging to His presence, I’m not ok. Most days I forget to cling. Today, once again, I’m reminded that I cannot do this life without Him.
I forget that God is a conqueror. That He is the beginning and the end of all things, including my story. That He doesn’t need my help in defending His character, plan or will for my life. That when I said, ‘yes’ to Him, I made Him the boss and relinquished all control of writing this ending. I have to remind myself that I DO NOT want that control back. I cannot handle the hurt of this world, the hurt of my loss or the hurt of my wait on my own so every second of every day I need Christ. Yesterday, now and forever.